Ways Not to Spend Your Vacation

Here, in no particular order, are my suggestions for things to avoid on your holiday.


1. Do Not Get Stuck in an Elevator. More specifically, do not get stuck in an elevator with your 5-year-old who suddenly annouces that he has to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW. Or, if you do choose to get stuck in an elevator, choose one where a) the security cameras are really working, see you jumping up and down in front of them, and are not just props; b) the CALL button is actually hooked up to someone who you can call and who can help; or c) where the fire department who eventually answers the EMERGENCY button can come in less than 20 minutes even though they are only about 5 minutes away. NOTE: The games on most mobile phones can entertain the average 5-year-old for approximately 7.5 minutes.

2. Do Not Get Involved in an Accident With an Old Person. Avoid getting struck by an old man who is exiting a parking space along the side of a road where there is only one other lane of traffic which you happen to be driving in and a concrete median on the other side. If you do encounter such a vehicular incident, take photos which your mobile phone so he cannot claim responsibility at the scene and subsequently tell his insurance company that there were two lanes of traffic and he was clearly in the right lane. Stay calm as you explain to the insurance investigator that if that was the case you would have rear-ended the old man rather than having him plow into you wiith your two kids in the car. Smile politely as the old man looks at the damage to your car, estimating the damage to be a few thousand dollars and then relaying the story he heard of a man who spent $11,000 on his cat, can you imagine, on his cat!?

3. Do Not Undergo Major Emergency Medical Procedures. Avoid tearing your retina in an unexplained fashion and remain calm as the doctor questions you about secret long-term steroid use. If you do have to go such a procedure, when the doctor instructs you to stay bent over, keeping your head at waist level until you can lie down in the back hallway of his office, remember to move far enough into the hallway so that your feet do not stick out into the other hallway, prompting other patients to whisper loudly about your “condition.” Avoid procedures that require you to change position every 2 hours for one week, alternating between sitting up straight and lying on your right side, propped up by at least three pillows. Take pain pills with reckless abandon. Rely on your previous experience as the mother of a newborn to get you through the nights where you get little to no sleep. Send your husband and son out on daily expeditions so that they do not drive you insane.

Follow these tips for a stress-free vacation!